Mr. and Mrs. Bennet have five daughters. Five daughters who have been trained by Chinese masters in the deadly art of killing zombies who are wandering the English countryside. Five daughters Mrs. Bennet would really like to see married.
Hey, even during a zombie apocalypse, finding a good husband is a top priority.
When a rich guy named Mr. Bingley moves into the neighborhood, he takes a liking to Jane Bennet. His friend Mr. Darcy, who's rich and handsome and also an accomplished zombie slayer, manages to offend nearly everyone in town with his arrogant behavior, including the deadly yet lovely Elizabeth Bennet.
While Jane's getting to know Mr. Bingley and Elizabeth is growing to loathe Mr. Darcy, their cousin Mr. Collins pops by. He wants to marry Elizabeth, but she's getting friendly with a local solider named Mr. Wickham, who's in town to burn undead bodies. Mr. Wickham lets it slip that Mr. Darcy cheated him out of an inheritance.
Oh, Elizabeth always knew that Mr. Darcy was a no-good jerk.
At a ball at Mr. Bingley's house, Mr. Darcy asks Elizabeth to dance, and it's muy awkward. He also helps her kill a few zombies, who have got hold of the kitchen staff. Still, Elizabeth doesn't like the dude.
The next day, Mr. Collins proposes to Elizabeth, and she turns him down. Don't worry: he goes next door and asks Charlotte Lucas to marry him instead…without realizing that she's been bitten by a zombie and is cursed to die a slow, painful death.
Mr. Collins is not the sharpest dagger in the weapons drawer.
Meanwhile, Jane gets a letter saying that Mr. Bingley and his friends have booked for London and won't be coming back anytime soon. Boo. Maybe Mr. Bingley never loved her at all? Maybe men don't like it when you're a bride of death? Sigh.
In the spring, Elizabeth goes to visit Charlotte and Mr. Collins at their new home in Kent. Charlotte is enjoying the last few months of her life as she slowly rots away. Elizabeth also gets to meet Mr. Collins' patroness, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, who also happens to be the fiercest female zombie slayer in all of England—and Mr. Darcy's aunt.
Eventually, Elizabeth finds out that Mr. Darcy was the one who got Mr. Bingley to leave for London months ago. Basically, he didn't want his friend to marry Jane. Elizabeth vows to kill Mr. Darcy the next time she sees him. This is pretty bad timing, because the next time she sees him, he confesses that he loves her and asks her to marry him.
Awkward.
The two have an epic throw-down when Elizabeth explains why she won't marry him. Mr. Darcy is ticked but manages to fight off Elizabeth after she uses his head to smash a mantle to pieces. He then answers all her charges in a strongly worded letter the next day. You know, like a gentleman. Turns out that he did tell Mr. Bingley not to marry Jane (oops). But Mr. Wickham is totally lying about being wronged by him. In fact, Mr. Wickham is lying about pretty much everything.
We did not see that one coming.
Neither did Elizabeth.
Elizabeth heads back home with a lot on her mind. After a few weeks, she takes a trip with her Aunt and Uncle Gardiner to Derbyshire. There, they make a stop at Pemberley, which just so happens to be Mr. Darcy's Japanese-styled estate. Elizabeth's not worried, because the servants tell her that Mr. Darcy isn't home. Then some zombies attack, and he shows up. Oops.
Mr. Darcy is super slick about it and invites Elizabeth and her family to Pemberley to hang out. Unfortunately, their visits are cut short by some news from home: seems that Lydia has eloped with Mr. Wickham. Mary and Kitty swear a blood oath against Mr. Wickham, and everyone goes into crisis mode.
Eventually, Lydia and Mr. Wickham are found hiding out in London. They're married after Mr. Wickham is maimed in a carriage accident. Hey, he had it coming. When Lydia comes home to visit, she mentions that Mr. Darcy was at her wedding, and Elizabeth finds out that he was the one who paid Mr. Wickham to marry Lydia. He was also the one who beat the nasty dude to a pulp. Swoon.
Soon, Mr. Bingley is back in at Longbourn with Mr. Darcy. He proposes to Jane, and she's thrilled. Elizabeth thanks Mr. Darcy for what he did for Lydia, and he confesses that he still loves her. The good news is that now she loves him back—even more than she loves beheading the legions of undead that roam this cursed earth.
So romantic.
Everyone gets married, and everyone lives happily ever after—except the zombies, who keep on getting slaughtered by the thousands.
The end.