We begin in Rome, sometime during the sixteenth century. A bishop is lying on his deathbed. It sounds like the set-up to a joke, but it's really just the start of this poem. He's got his sons, or nephews, around him. He's a little fuzzy about how he's related to these guys, but we do know that he knew their mother once upon a time. She's been dead for some time, though.
The bishop is talking about St. Praxed's church, where he's planning to stay after he dies. You see, he's making plans for his tomb to be built there. Even though someone name Gandolf tricked him and got the best spot for a tomb, he's still pretty stoked about where he'll end up. He describes the high quality of stone and marble that will go into building his tomb.
Then he asks his sons—as the bishop starts to refer to them—to go dig him up a giant piece of lapis lazuli stone. He wants to decorate his tomb with it, so he can look like God holding the world. That ought to make Gandolf super-jealous—even though, you know, Gandolf is firmly in a tomb of his own. The bishop goes on with more decoration demands, including depictions of mythological symbols, St. Praxed, Jesus, a nymph getting her clothes ripped off by a Pan figure, and Moses. It's certainly an…unusual set of requests.
The bishop is serious, though, and he gets mad when his sons aren't listening to him. He tells them that, if they meet his demands, he'll get St. Praxed to send them gifts like horses and rare manuscripts and good-looking mistresses. If they want all that, though, they have to carve him a better epitaph than the one that Gandolf has.
He goes on to describe how he spends his time lying still, waiting for death to arrive. Then he confuses Jesus with St. Praxed and hates on Gandolf a bit more. Suddenly, he seems to realize that he's led an evil life…but then he goes right back to demanding more lapis lazuli for his tomb, as well as various other decorations.
After more of this, the bishop turns and gets mad at his sons. He's convinced that they're going to leave him with a cheap and leaky tomb. He throws them out of his room and tells them that he's just going to lie back and wait to see if dead Gandolf gives the bishop a jealous look. After all, the bishop notes, his sons' mother was a really good-looking gal.