These days, tests are still taken at the DMV, which makes sense. You have to go there anyway to get your smilin’ face inscribed on The Man’s computer banks. But when you go, take a careful look around. It’s likely that your grandkids won’t know what a DMV is—what do you think the odds are that in 30 years the tests are virtualized on computers, proctored on something like Skype, and with the driving exams being done by independent non-union contractors? The government just can’t afford to keep doing things the old-fashioned, expensive way that it has been…

Figure out which location is right for you here: 

Or, if you still live in The Stone Age, use that dialing machine and call 855-269-5551.

Like most government-run things, the DMV won’t test you after 4:30 local time.

And unlike schools in the Far East, you can’t cheat: no ink scrawls on your arm; no vocab words stored on your phone; not even a trained ant (or aunt) to crawl in front of you spelling out mnemonics.

If they catch you cheating, they will fail you immediately on the test, and some big woman will take you to the back room for a good spanking. It is likely that the DMV will put that fact in your file, and it will haunt you if you go back for another shot (the cheating, not the spanking—well, maybe the spanking, too).

The Exam I Am

Green eggs. Don’t eat them before the exam, Sam. Or ever; they’ve probably gone bad.

The purpose of the exam is to test you on three major categories:

• Written exam – do you understand all the rules and signs involved in driving? (If not, then you should probably go back and read through this stuff again.)
• Vision exam – your eyeballs take an SAT test naming letters on an eye chart.
• Driving test – this is where you go with some poor dude who clearly did something bad in a former life and is being punished by having to face death daily at the hands of distracted teens. How would you like that gig?

For the test, you have to bring:

• Someone 21 or over who has a license (otherwise, like, how did you get your car there?).
• Proof of car insurance.
• A car that works. “Works” usually means that the tires, brake lights, directional signals brakes, steering, horn, mirror, etc. are all in good working condition. If your car is all busted up, The Man probably won’t let you take the driving test, and we don’t blame him; who wants to be driven around in a deathtrap by an unlicensed driver?
• Knowledge. You will have to know where to find the emergency lights, the headlights, the wipers, the defroster, and so on. Basic stuff. If you have been on Earth and driven with Mom and/or Dad ever at all, this part should be a snap.
• Proper identification, so the MVD knows who you are.
• Appropriate fees, as always.

You will AUTOMATICALLY FAIL if you are caught doing any of the following during your driving test, so PRACTICE: violating a traffic law; driving dangerously; refusing to perform an action or lacking cooperation with your tester; contributing to a crash; not performing required tasks; not meeting standard requirements.