Yes, we admit it: we are extremely concerned about your health and safety. Sue us for caring. Besides, your mother asked us to look out for you.

Oh, Say, Can You See?

While our society does its best not to discriminate against those with disabilities, we unfortunately cannot allow a blind person behind the wheel of a car. While it is true that many of the blind have seeing-eye dogs, very few of those dogs are 16 or older.

The fact is that you must have good vision in order to drive a car. Even if your vision is merely poor, you can be a hazard to yourself and to others if you cannot clearly spot and react quickly to danger. Get regular eye exams, and let your eye doctor know if you have any trouble judging distances, seeing peripherally, or urinating. The urinating thing may not be your eye doctor’s particular area of expertise, but he can certainly refer you to someone who can help.

I Heard That: There’s Somethin’ Happenin’ Here

Equally as important as your vision is your hearing. If you cannot hear horns, sirens, or velociraptors, you could be in serious danger. Especially if the velociraptor in question is driving while intoxicated. Clever girl.

It is important to remember that playing the radio or a CD, while legal, can seriously impair your ability to listen for warning sounds. Do not play your music more loudly than you need to, and don’t have headphones or ear buds blocking both ears. If your grandmother knitted you a pair of ear cozies for Christmas, be sure to remove them before sitting down behind the wheel.

As with your vision, you should periodically have your hearing checked. Especially if you’ve noticed that you’ve been having trouble with your hearing, see a doctor right away. Don’t ask this doctor about your urination problem, though. It wouldn’t be appropriate.

Wake Up! (Starbucks ad)

You must always make sure that you are fully rested and alert when you step into a car. This helps you to anticipate and react more quickly, which is helpful if another vehicle suddenly heads in your direction, or if someone throws a dodge ball at you.

To avoid being tired out there on the road, here are some tips. Yes, these seem pretty darn obvious, but we’ll keep hitting y’all over the head with them until people stop making bad decisions and start paying attention:

1. 1. Get sleep the night before your trip. Santa will be here before morning, and lying awake fretting about it isn’t going to make him come any sooner.
2. Say no to drugs, even if they’re prescription drugs. If it’s something that could make you drowsy, and you’re planning on driving, don’t take it. The police won’t be very happy with you if they catch you driving under the influence of Nyquil.
3. Don’t drive super-long hours if you can help it, especially late at night. That’s when the Sandman comes around and throws sleep in your eyes. And if something goes wrong, he can’t help you, because he doesn’t know how to drive a stick shift. And also because he doesn’t exist.
4. Make regular stops just to get some fresh air and shake out your limbs so that you don’t bore yourself to sleep. Fifty or sixty jumping jacks couldn’t hurt either. We’re not saying you need to lose weight or anything, just that they couldn’t hurt.
5. Don’t let your eyes get settled into looking in a single direction. Obviously you always want to be looking at the road in front of you, but switch it up a bit by looking near and far, left and right. This will keep your eyes from getting sleepy and ninjas from sneaking up on you.
6. Lower your window to get some fresh air. If there’s anything that Alaska has in abundance, it’s fresh air. Well, and trees. And mountains. And large carnivorous animals. And… you guys have a lot of stuff up there, huh?

Take a Vacation from Medication

There are a number of prescription and over-the-counter medications that some may need on a daily basis to help with allergies or colds, but be careful when using any of these before driving, and don’t take them at all unless you absolutely need them. If you must take one before driving, know the side effects beforehand. And if one of the side effects is wild, uncontrolled rotating of the arms, take the bus.

Make sure you do not:

1. Mix medications. We think it’s great that you invested in a lab coat and pair of safety goggles, but that still doesn’t make you a chemist. Mad scientist, maybe.
2. Take anyone else’s medication. If you’re looking for a hook-up for Zoloft, that hook-up should have some type of medical degree. He should not sit next to you in Trig.
3. Drink alcohol with your medication. This one should not be a problem for you, since you aren’t drinking anyway. Are you?!

It’s Gettin’ Hot in Here

It is dangerous and illegal to leave an unattended child or animal in your car on a hot day, no matter how briefly. It can get much hotter inside a vehicle than outside, so on a 90-degree day you might as well be shoving little Timmy or Fido into a river of molten lava. And not the pretend molten lava that surrounds the living room couch/fort. The real stuff.

I Get So Emotional, Baby

We all let our emotions get the best of us from time to time. However, we must find a way to get over whatever is bothering us and use our better judgment when getting behind the wheel, as our lives or the lives of others may depend on it. If you need to, just close your eyes, breathe deeply and count to ten. This is before you’ve started driving, mind you.

Safety First!

Source

If while driving on a freeway your car breaks down or starts to sputter, you should:

1. Pull off to the shoulder if it is safe to do so. If you don’t have a cell phone and there is a call box close by, pull up next to that. Calling for assistance is a better bet than rolling down your window and screaming for assistance or supplicating God for a tow truck.
2. After placing your call, you should stay in your vehicle and wait for help in most instances. If you must exit, do so on the right side so you are not stepping out into traffic. This may mean crawling over the mannequin you placed in the passenger seat so that you could use the carpool lane. When you return to your vehicle, enter from the right side as well.
3. Remain inside your vehicle with your seatbelt on until the assistance you requested is on the scene. You may not think your seatbelt is necessary because you aren’t moving, but what if someone doesn’t notice you and hits you from behind, wise guy?

If your car happens to break down where there is not a sizeable shoulder or where there is a guardrail, turn on your emergency lights and exit your vehicle when it is safe to do so. Go to where you will be safe just in case someone isn’t paying attention and collides with your vehicle from behind. We know you love your car and don’t want to burden it with issues of abandonment, but it will recover. Three to four sessions of intensive psychotherapy should do it.

While your fairy godmother may happen by and help you out by providing gas, jump-starting your car, changing a flat tire, or towing you to a magical gas station, you really should be prepared by registering for some kind of roadside assistance prior to having an incident, either with AAA or through your dealership. Calling your dad and begging him to come help you is probably not the best option. He may have been able to help in third grade when that bully stole your pastrami sandwich, but you’re a big kid now.