Mmmm...ground juice. (Source)

Texas tea. Black gold. The bubblin' crude. Delightful, prehistoric critter juice that makes our cars go. These are all nicknames for oil. Yes, that stuff that makes your car go is made of prehistoric plants and animals. Gnarly.

Oil powers most vehicles, homes, and lawnmowers across the world. This liquid miracle has been at least partially responsible for some of the greatest innovations of the last hundred years, from cars to planes to space flight, to a massive national power grid that allows you to play video games late into the night while sitting under an electric blanket and microwaving some popcorn.

You want to run a company that harvests it? Well, as far as jobs go, this one definitely has its perks. For starters, the average salary is somewhere in the fifteen billion dollar range (source). That's enough to buy Iceland and Greenland and still have a little left over for your own personal fleet of airplanes―which you'd definitely need to get to your countries.

 

The richer the host, the smaller the food. (Source)

Then there are the side benefits. Since nations are so needy and greedy for the slick black crude nectar, you'll get to meet your fair share of world leaders. You'll be treated to extravagant dinners in exotic locations around the globe. And all it takes is some good old fashioned exploitation of resources, workers, and regulations. But hey, aren't those mini-shrimp appetizers extraordinary?

This doesn't even take into account all of the really cool stuff you can buy with all that money. Don't like what the news is saying? Buy the newspaper or TV station and make them say what you want them to.

We're just saying you can. But don't. But you can.

With all that money you might feel invincible and all-powerful. That sure sounds nice, but there are a few things that stand in your way from total world domination and doing whatever you want.

Laws can be a pesky thing, for starters. Even the richest oil tycoon can't buy every politician, and sometimes bills and laws go the opposite way you'd want them to. The American public will only tolerate so much oil being spilled in national parks and reservoirs before they start thinking about throwing a fit and protesting. 

But with enough cash to put Roman emperors to shame, you can always hire your own personal security service to deal with "problems," evil supervillain-style.

So what are your chances of becoming one of these elite oil profiteers? About as good as running your car on rainbows and wishes.

Really though—there are only about a dozen oil companies in America, and they already own most of the oil. Your best bet is to marry into an oil family somewhere in Texas, California, or maybe the Middle East. Just make sure you marry into the right part of the family; you don't want to end up stuck with fifth-child level inheritance.

There's always another option, if inheriting, buying, or enacting a hostile takeover of an oil company isn't in the cards: green energy. That's right: wind, solar, electric, hydroelectric, and renewable. It's the newest energy trend and it's making Big Oil shake in its little HazMat boots.

For now, though, we'll be focusing on the black gold, not the ways that vomit green kelp remnants might disrupt one of the most profitable industries in the world.

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