Greenskeeper Career
Greenskeeper Career
The Real Poop
Grass. It's one of things that humans just won't leave to itself. Grass wants to be about eighteen inches tall, while humans won't stand for anything more than two or three. Diplomacy between humans and grass has failed for centuries (something about a language barrier, we think), and humans have gotten used to enforcing their height beliefs the hard way. That's where you come in, greenskeeper.
Greenskeepers are responsible for ignoring nature's wishes at golf courses across the country, where they use dangerous tools and chemicals to keep a variety of foliage in whatever geometric shape the property manager happens to like. Usually, that's short and squared.
You might think it'd be easier for everyone if someone simply removed these plants from the equation altogether, but apparently golf courses prefer to pay greenskeepers about nine dollars per hour to endlessly cut, shape, and spray all things green (source).
That's a low average wage for people whose job is the modern day equivalent of Sisyphean labor, but considering the low barrier of entry, it does make a bit of sense.
In order to become a professional greenskeeper, you'll need an advanced degree in applied greenskeepology. Fortunately, though, this won't cost you very much or take up a lot of time, because we just made that term up.
No, greenskeepers require exactly zero academic education (even a high school diploma isn't mandatory); there are important skills to be learned, but they don't need to be learned in traditional academic settings.
Greenskeeping work can be learned on the job, so you're required to bring almost nothing to the table in order to get started. You'll learn to operate a bunch of simple machines, from lawn mowers to trimmers, plus a few special techniques specific to whatever golf course you're working on. Is setting tee markers and moving pins your idea of a good time? Then grab your tiny paper cone hat, because this is going to be a party.
Like most fields of work, however, there's a way to "do it right." If you're the sort who's both an overachiever and someone who wants to mow the nine-hole down the block for a living, you could find a college that offers programs in horticulture, small engine repair, or other such programs that might give you a leg up in the greenskeeping world.
You can also pick up certification in pesticide use—it's a state requirement to have one in order to handle the stuff commercially. If you learn that side of the business and build up some experience, you'll be on track for a management or supervisory position. You might even reach the top ten percent of greenskeeper earners, who take home about $31,000 per year (source).
Now, while skills might not be an issue, you'll need to have a body primed for manual labor and pores primed for sweat. Sure, you get to ride the mower go-cart thing (and, really, it does look like fun), but you're also going to be swinging around heavy power tools like chainsaws (also fun, but slightly more taxing on the arms).
You'll get a break from the heat come wintertime, but you may also get a break from being employed, too. So there's that.
It'll also help if you're able to work without a manager looking over your shoulder, because the last thing anyone wants is their boss riding the mower behind them, double saddle style, on a ninety degree afternoon. In reality, you'll be on your own most of the day, so it's up to you to keep pace with your responsibilities. And don't think you can slack off; it's sort of obvious when the hedge is supposed to be a rectangle but looks more like Jabba the Hutt.
All in all, greenskeeping is not a job for the scholastically-minded, but might be great for someone who loves being outdoors all day instead of inside all cooped up.
And hey, if you can't find work, you can always buy a house with a yard and pursue your dreams of grass control as a hobbyist.