Kevin (Craig Warnock)’s Timeline and Summary

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• Kevin tries to explain how awesome Greek warriors were to his parents, who don't even look up from the television.
• Kevin goes to bed, only to be surprised by a knight on horseback emerging from his closet.
• Kevin hides beneath the covers, and the knight disappears into a forest that has suddenly appeared.
• Kevin's father opens the door and demands to know what all the noise was about.
• The next night, Kevin waits with a Polaroid camera to see what emerges from his closet. Turns out it's a six-pack of dwarves, on the run from the Supreme Being, with a map showing the locations of holes in time and space.
• One such hole lies beyond the wall of Kevin's bedroom, which the dwarves push on, creating a corridor.
• The Supreme Being arrives and chases Kevin down the corridor until it opens up into an empty void.
• Kevin falls into the void...and lands in late 18th-century Italy, as Napoleon Bonaparte marches on Castiglione.
• The dwarves quickly nab Kevin, then take him with them as they plan to rob the French general.
• The dwarves find Napoleon in a bombed-out theater watching a puppet show and quickly arrange to perform a very bad musical number for him.
• Napoleon, obsessed with "little things hitting each other," is entranced and makes the dwarves his generals on the spot.
• The dwarves sit with Napoleon while he gets drunk and lists off all the great short people in history.
• When Napoleon passes out, they dwarves grab all his loot, then rush to a nearby time hole to escape.
• Kevin and the dwarves land in the Middle Ages. The dwarves explain to Kevin how the map lets them travel through time...and rip people off.
• The band is caught in a trap left by robbers, who let them down when they realize that the dwarves are robbers, too.
• The gang is introduced to Robin Hood, who soon gives all the goodies they stole from Napoleon to the local peasants.
• Kevin wants to stay with Robin Hood, but the dwarves drag him away.
• The Supreme Being catches up with the gang, and Kevin makes a break for the time hole at the dwarves' urging, leaving them behind.
• Kevin lands in the middle of a battle between King Agamemnon and some manner of Minotaur.
• Kevin's arrival distracts the monster, allowing Agamemnon to kill it.
• Kevin goes back to the city with Agamemnon, and the two become very close.
• Kevin awakens one morning to find guys in masks nabbing him.
• Kevin is led to a banquet, where Agamemnon announces that he's going to adopt Kevin.
• Let the wild rumpus start.
• A group of entertainers arrives...except they turn out to be the dwarves.
• The dwarves grab Kevin—along with gold and jewels from the crowd—and pull a disappearing act courtesy of a time hole.
• They all land on the deck of a ship in 1912, using their trinkets to buy first-class accommodations.
• The dwarves are thrilled, but Kevin is super unhappy. He really wanted to stay with Agamemnon.
• Kevin tells Randall that he thinks he's the worst, while Randall carefully explains that the Most Fabulous Object in the World is very close.
• The gang is interrupted when the ship strikes an iceberg. Turns out, they're on the Titanic.
• Kevin ends up in the middle of the Atlantic with the dwarves, and Evil pulls them all into the Time of Legends.
• The gang lands in another ocean, where Winston the Ogre captures them in his fishing net.
• Winston is preparing to eat them all, but Kevin—quick-thinking lad that he is—notices that Winston has a bad back and suggests a cure.
• Said cure involves all of the dwarves lifting up Winston and tossing him overboard, followed in short order by his wife, who's been sharpening the knives to cut them all up.
• They all set sail for the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness, only to run into more trouble in the form of a giant wearing the ship like a hat.
• Kevin again uses that big brain of his to douse the giant with a sleeping potion, allowing them to scuttle off the ship when he falls asleep.
• They all soon arrive at the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness—hidden by an invisible barrier, of course—where the Most Fabulous Object in the World awaits.
• Turns out, said object looks a lot like something from that awful game show Kevin's parents watch...leading him to smell a rat. Sadly, it does him no good: Evil nabs them all, plops them into a cage, and sets off to remake the universe with the map.
• While awaiting the end in the cage, Kevin checks a picture he took earlier of the map and realizes that there's a huge time hole right beneath them.
• Kevin and the dwarves engineer an escape from the cage, then nab the map. Evil is not pleased.
• The dwarves head off into the time hole to bring back reinforcements, while Kevin stays behind to keep Evil distracted.
• Kevin leads Evil's minions on a merry chase before finally being cornered.
• The dwarves arrive in the nick of time, with a whole army of folks from throughout history.
• One by one, Evil defeats them, until he must finally confront the dwarves themselves, who fare no better.
• Evil prepares to destroy them all—including Kevin—when the Supreme Being arrives and zaps Evil into a statue, which he then shatters.
• Kevin pesters the Supreme Being with annoying questions like "why do we have to have Evil?" while the dwarves clean up the pieces of Evil
• The Supreme Being brushes Kevin off and leaves him behind while he and the dwarves return to creation.
• A missed piece of Evil billows out smoke, which engulfs Kevin.
• When the smoke clears, Kevin is back in his bedroom.
• A fireman kicks down the door—the house is on fire—and pulls Kevin to safety.
• On the lawn, the fireman asks if Kevin is okay; the fireman looks a lot like Agamemnon.
• Kevin's parents, fretting over their kitchen appliances, are shown the source of the fire: the missing piece of Evil in their toaster.
• Despite Kevin's warnings, his parents reach for the piece of Evil...and explode when they touch it.
• The fire truck drives off, leaving a bewildered Kevin on his lawn.