How It All Goes Down
- At last—the final installment of the Best North Korean Story. The voice on the loudspeaker describes the day when the American rower went home.
- Of course, the rower is sad to go back to America, but there it is. The voice catalogues all the American atrocities in Korea that the Dear Leader is willing to overlook to hand her back.
- Everything goes well at first, despite the fact that the Americans brought a herd of dogs with them. Why? For a sneak attack, of course.
- When the Americans say a code word, the beasts all attack at once. In the confusion, American commandos kidnap an unwilling Sun Moon and take her to the plane.
- Comrade Buc fails in his duty to defend Sun Moon—and now his name is mud.
- Sun Moon, meanwhile, is properly begging for death. The Dear Leader is truly heroic, of course, running into the teeth of battle to save Sun Moon.
- Commander Ga at first does nothing, but inspired by the Dear Leader's efforts, he becomes a true hero. He jumps onto the wing of the departing American plane. Then he writes backward on the window of the plane—in his own blood—about the Dear Leader's love for his people. This is supposed to encourage Sun Moon.
- The Americans try to shake Ga off the wing of the plane with barrel rolls and the like, but it doesn't work. He clings hard.
- Then, after singing verses of a patriotic song together, Sun Moon points out an American aircraft carrier in the ocean below. Can you guess what happens next?
- That's right: Ga jumps off the wing, making a man-sized missile of his body.
- The voice on the loudspeaker tells them not to mourn Commander Ga. He achieved the highest good that any citizen could hope for: heroic martyrdom.
- Now Ga is in the bosom of the Great Leader—and his bronze bust is already joining the company of heroes in the Revolutionary Martyrs' Cemetery.
- Now, Ga will provide a name for orphans in the years to come.