Punctuation Introduction

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Like grammar nerds like to say, punctuation is a matter of life and death. There's a huge difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma."

Ba-dum ching!

Yes, grammarians can also be cornballs. But grammar truly is a matter of life and death… of your dignity as a writer. And as a human being.

You could write that, "Rachel Ray finds inspiration in cooking her family and her dog." Oof.

You could post a sign in the disabled/family restroom at your establishment that reads "Attention: toilet only for disabled elderly pregnant children." Oof. Oof. And also—what?!

And it ain't just commas that spell the difference between cannibalism and family dining or embarrassment and writing proficiency.

Without periods, you could end up writing "I have two hours to kill someone come hang out." (Terrifying.)

Overindulgence in quotation marks could have you saying that your restaurant serves the best "chicken" in town, leading hungry would-be patrons to think "Uh, what is that chicken really made out of?"

Basically, all punctuation is there for a reason. It shows degrees of separation and emphasis. In fact, when you think about it, punctuation symbols are a lot like road signs. No, they're not huge and green. They tell your reader when to look alive and anticipate, when to slow down, and when to come to a complete stop.

Simply put, punctuation symbols are a powerful tool. Use them to get your audience to read your writing exactly how you want it to be read. Feel the power!

Disclaimer

Punctuation is, uh, kind of made up.

See, it was originally used to help people know when to pause in a sentence. Comma was a short pause, semi-colon was a longer pause, and period was a full stop. So who are we to tell you that YOU CANNOT USE A COMMA THERE?

Plus, with the thousand ways we now have to communicate, punctuation is always changing. Remember when a period didn't mean you were angry? Those were the days.

Bottom line: take everything everyone says about punctuation with a grain of salt. Yes, you need to pass your grammar exam, but you don't need to deal with grammar tyrants.

Quiz Yourself on Punctuation

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Identify the grammatically incorrect sentence.

(A) Uncle Martin wanted to go to the carnival (due to his love of Ferris wheels), but he's getting open-heart surgery tomorrow.
(B) Chelsea always has cravings for the weirdest, most unhealthy foods you could imagine (fried Twinkies, chocolate-dipped tofu, and corn dog pizza.)
(C) All of the flowers in the Queen's garden (even the roses and chrysanthemums) survived the harsh winter and are now in full bloom.
(D) She literally sprinted to Starbuck's (the one a block away); apparently she needed her coffee fix!

Which of the following sentences are grammatically correct?

I. I have always wanted to travel to Africa (that's where zebras live!) even though I know I will have to get about twenty different vaccines.

II. I went to a Lady Antebellum concert (Country music is my favorite.), and Keith Urban showed up as a surprise guest!

(A) I
(B) II
(C) Both I and II
(D) Neither I nor II

Which of the following has incorrect punctuation?

(A) You wouldn't dare use my last pink glitter pen, would you? You know that's my favorite kind!
(B) Dave's in Las Vegas? That's interesting. His boss thinks he has the measles.
(C) I wonder why Joan didn't want to come over for Thanksgiving? Tofurky is delicious!
(D) How did the chicken get upstairs? Weren't you supposed to close his coop last night?

Identify the error in this excerpt from an email:


I just talked to Mr. Murphy on the phone. He wanted to leave a message for you. He said, "If my tax return is not completed by Friday, I am taking my money elsewhere." He sounded extremely angry- maybe you should stop procrastinating on that return.


(A) said, "If
(B) Friday, I am
(C) angry- maybe
(D) No error.

What is problematic about this sentence?


Dwayne's favorite animal at the zoo has always been the long necked giraffe; he seems to identify with its awkwardness.


(A) There should be a hyphen between long and necked because it is technically a compound word.
(B) There should be a hyphen between long and necked to avoid ambiguity in meaning.
(C) The sentence should be split into two because it is a run-on sentence.
(D) The word "its" should be changed to "it's" because it is functioning as a possessive pronoun.

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